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725 lines
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<title>The Laws of Murphy (and others)</title>
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<p align="center"><b><font color="blue" size="+3">The Great Murphy (and Miscellaneous) Laws Collection</font></b></p>
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<hr /><span class="imgswap"><a href="index.html" style="display:block;"><img src="a1.gif" alt="Home"/><b class="bb">Main Index</b></a></span>
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<span class="imgswap"><a href="humour.htm" style="display:block;"><img src="a1.gif" alt="Projects"/><b class="bb">Humour Index</b></a></span><br />
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<hr />
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<p><a id="jokes"></a>These laws are from a collection I have, and this is a small sample. It is believed by some that many of the laws currently attributed to Murphy were in fact written by someone else with the same name - please bear this in mind when quoting, as such mistakes can be very embarrassing.
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<blockquote><b>Contents</b></blockquote>
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<ul>
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<li><a href="laws.htm#everyday">Laws Governing Everyday Life</a></li>
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<li><a href="laws.htm#programming">Laws of Computer Programming</a></li>
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<li><a href="laws.htm#inanimate">Laws Governing Inanimate Objects</a></li>
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<li><a href="laws.htm#research">Laws of Research</a></li>
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<li><a href="laws.htm#general">General Laws</a></li>
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<li><a href="laws.htm#military">Murphy's Military Laws</a></li>
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</ul>
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<hr />
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<p><a id="everyday"></a><b><big>Laws Governing Everyday Life</big></b>
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<hr />
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<p><b>Firestone's Law of Forecasting:</b>
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<blockquote>Chicken Little only has to be right once.</blockquote>
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<b>Manly's Maxim:</b>
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<blockquote>Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.</blockquote>
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<b>Grizzard's truism:</b>
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<blockquote>The trouble with most jobs is the job holder's resemblance to being one of a sled dog team.<br />
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No one gets a change of scenery except the lead dog.</blockquote>
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<b>Cannon's Comment:</b>
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<blockquote>If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.</blockquote>
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<b>MURPHY'S LAW:</b>
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<blockquote>If anything can go wrong, it will.</blockquote>
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<b>Murphy's First Corollary:</b>
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<blockquote>Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.<br />
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Any attempt on your part to correct this will only accelerate the process.</blockquote>
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<b>Murphy's Second Corollary:</b>
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<blockquote>It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious</blockquote>
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<b>Murphy's Constant:</b>
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<blockquote>Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value</blockquote>
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<b>Quantised Revision of Murphy's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>Everything goes wrong all at once.</blockquote>
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<b>O'Toole's Commentary:</b>
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<blockquote>Murphy was an optimist.</blockquote>
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<b>Finagle's Fourth Law:</b>
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<blockquote>Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.</blockquote>
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<b>Gumperson's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.</blockquote>
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<b>Rudin's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.</blockquote>
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<b>Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics:</b>
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<blockquote>
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You can't win.<br />
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You can't break even.<br />
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You can't quit.
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</blockquote>
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<b>Three Laws of Thermodynamics:</b>
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<blockquote>
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First Law: You cannot win, you can only break even;<br />
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Second Law: You can only break even at absolute zero;<br />
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Third Law: You cannot attain absolute zero.
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</blockquote>
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<b>Hofstadter's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>
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Everything takes longer than you think, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law. <small>(Douglas Hofstadter, mathematician and philosopher)</small>
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</blockquote>
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<b>Ehrman's Commentary</b>
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<blockquote>Things will get worse before they will get better.<br />
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Who said things would get better?</blockquote>
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<b>Commoner's Second Law of Ecology:</b>
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<blockquote>Nothing ever goes away.</blockquote>
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<b>Howe's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>Everyone has a scheme that will not work.</blockquote>
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<b>Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics:</b>
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<blockquote>Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a bigger can.</blockquote>
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<b>Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations:</b>
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<blockquote>Negative expectations yield negative results.<br />
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Positive expectations yield negative results.</blockquote>
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<b>Klipstein's Laws:</b>
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<blockquote>Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly.<br />
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Interchangeable parts won't.<br />
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You never find a lost article until you replace it.</blockquote>
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<b>Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness:</b>
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<blockquote>The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.</blockquote>
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<b>Lewis' Laws:</b>
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<blockquote>No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.<br />
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If nobody uses it, there's a reason.<br />
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You get the most of what you need the least.</blockquote>
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<b>The Aeroplane Law:</b>
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<blockquote>When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.</blockquote>
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<b>McDonnell Douglas Law of Aeronautics</b>
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<blockquote>When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the plane will fly.</blockquote>
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<b>Etorre's Observation:</b>
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<blockquote>The other line moves faster.</blockquote>
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<b>O'Brien's Variation:</b>
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<blockquote>If you change lines, the one you just left will start to move faster than the one you are now in.</blockquote>
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<b>The Queue Principle:</b>
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<blockquote>The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are in the wrong line.</blockquote>
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<b>First Law of Revision:</b>
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<blockquote>
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Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after - and only after - the plans are complete. -
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<small>(Often called the 'Now They Tell Us' Law)</small>
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</blockquote>
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<b>Corollary I:</b>
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<blockquote>
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In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way,<br />
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it is often wiser to choose the wrong way so as to expedite subsequent revision. - <small>H.B. Fyfe</small>
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</blockquote>
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<b>Second Law of Revision:</b>
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<blockquote>
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The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn. - <small>H.B. Fyfe</small>
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</blockquote>
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<b>Third Law of Revision:</b>
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<blockquote>
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If, when completion of a design is imminent, field dimensions are finally supplied as they actually are -- instead
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of as they were meant to be -- it is always simpler to start all over.
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</blockquote>
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<b>Corollary I:</b>
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<blockquote>
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It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. - <small>H.B. Fyfe</small>
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</blockquote>
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<hr />
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<a id="programming"></a><b><big>Laws of Computer Programming</big></b>
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<hr />
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To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
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<blockquote>
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<ol>
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<li>Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
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<li>Any given program costs more and takes longer.
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<li>If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
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<li>If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
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<li>Any program will expand to fill available memory. (aka Microsoft's Law)
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<li>The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
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<li>Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
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<li>Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
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<li>A non-trivial program is defined as any program with more than one line of code
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<li>Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
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<li>Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
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</ol>
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</blockquote>
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<p><b>Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:</b>
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<blockquote>There's always one more bug.</blockquote>
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<b>Shaw's Principle:</b>
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<blockquote>Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.</blockquote>
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<b>Woltman's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>Never program and drink beer at the same time.</blockquote>
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<b>Gallois' Revelation:</b>
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<blockquote>If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticise it.</blockquote>
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<hr /><a id="inanimate"></a><b><big>Laws Governing Inanimate Objects</big></b>
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<hr />
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<p><b>Law of the Perversity of Nature:</b>
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<blockquote>You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.</blockquote>
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<b>Law of Selective Gravity:</b>
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<blockquote>Any object dropped will fall so as to do the most damage.</blockquote>
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<b>Jennings' Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity:</b>
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<blockquote>The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.</blockquote>
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<b>Wyszkowski's Second Law:</b>
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<blockquote>Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.</blockquote>
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<b>Sattinger's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>It works better if you plug it in.</blockquote>
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<b>Lowery's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>If it jams - force it.<br />
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If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.</blockquote>
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<b>Schmidt's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.</blockquote>
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<b>Anthony's Law of Force:</b>
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<blockquote>Don't force it - get a bigger hammer.</blockquote>
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<b>Cahn's Axiom:</b>
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<blockquote>When all else fails, read the instructions.</blockquote>
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<hr />
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<a id="research"></a><b><big>Laws of Research</big></b>
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<hr />
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<p>Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous<br />
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resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. - <small>Bokonon</small>
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<p><b>Gordon's First Law:</b>
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<blockquote>If a project is not worth doing at all, it's not worth doing well.</blockquote>
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<b>Law of Research:</b>
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<blockquote>Enough research will tend to support your theory.</blockquote>
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<b>Maier's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.</blockquote>
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<b>Peer's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>The solution to the problem changes the problem.</blockquote>
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<p><b>Scott's Second Law:</b>
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<blockquote>When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.</blockquote>
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<b>Finagle's First Law:</b>
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<blockquote>If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.</blockquote>
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<b>Murphy's Corollary:</b>
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<blockquote>Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.</blockquote>
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<b>Finagle's Second Law:</b>
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<blockquote>No matter what the experiment's result, there will always be someone eager to:<br />
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<blockquote>(a) misinterpret it.<br />
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(b) fake it.<br />
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or<br />(c) believe it supports his own pet theory.</blockquote></blockquote>
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<b>Finagle's Third Law:</b>
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<blockquote>In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.</blockquote>
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<b>Mark's mark:</b>
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<blockquote>Love is a matter of chemistry;<br />
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Sex is a matter of physics.</blockquote>
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<b>Rule of Accuracy:</b>
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<blockquote>When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.</blockquote>
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<b>Wyszowski's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>No experiment is reproducible.</blockquote>
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<b>Fett's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>Never replicate a successful experiment.</blockquote>
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<b>Brooke's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.</blockquote>
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<p><b>First Law of Laboratory Work:</b>
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<blockquote>Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.</blockquote>
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<b>Handy Guide to Modern Science:</b>
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<blockquote>
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1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.<br />
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2. If it stinks, it's chemistry.<br />
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3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.<br />
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4. If it's incomprehensible, it's mathematics.<br />
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5. If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.
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</blockquote>
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<br />
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<hr />
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<a id="general"></a><b><big>General Laws</big></b>
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<hr />
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<p>The important thing is never to stop questioning. - <small>Albert Einstein</small>
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<p>If somebody you thought was your friend disappears owing you one hundred dollars, it was probably worth it. - <small> Anon.</small>
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<p>Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day.
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<p><b>Korman's conclusions:</b>
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<blockquote>The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again.<br />
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Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.<br />
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You can lead a man to slaughter, but you can't make him think.<br />
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Don't get mad, get even.</blockquote>
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<p><b>Carson's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.</blockquote>
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<p><b>The Golden Rule:</b>
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<blockquote>He who has the gold, makes the rules.</blockquote>
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<p><b>Lennon's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>Life is what happens while you are making other plans. - <small>Thomas la Mance</small></blockquote>
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<b>Maugham's Thought:</b>
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<blockquote>Only a mediocre person is always at his best.</blockquote>
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<b>Krueger's Observation:</b>
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<blockquote>A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.</blockquote>
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<b>Benchley's Law of Distinction:</b>
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<blockquote>There are two kinds of people in the world:<br />
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(a) those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world<br />
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(b) those who don't.</blockquote>
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<b>Harver's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.</blockquote>
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<b>Schmidt's Observation:</b>
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<blockquote>All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.</blockquote>
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<b>Gibb's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.<br />
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Fools rush in where fools have been before.<br />
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Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear.</blockquote>
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<b>The first Myth of Management:</b>
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<blockquote>It exists.</blockquote>
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<b>Peter's Placebo:</b>
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<blockquote>An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.</blockquote>
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<b>Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour:</b>
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<blockquote>People are always available for work in the past tense.</blockquote>
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<b>Wicker's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. - <small>Tom Wicker</small></blockquote>
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<b>Clarke's First Law:</b>
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<blockquote>When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.</blockquote>
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<b>Clarke's Second Law:</b>
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<blockquote>The limits of the possible can only be defined by going beyond them into the impossible.</blockquote>
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<b>Clarke's Third Law:</b>
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<blockquote>Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.</blockquote>
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<b>Segal's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>A man with a watch knows what time it is.<br />
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A man with two watches is never sure.</blockquote>
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<b>Weiler's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.</blockquote>
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<b>Weinberg's Second Law:</b>
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<blockquote>If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.</blockquote>
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<b>Hartley's Second Law:</b>
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<blockquote>Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are.</blockquote>
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<b>Beckhap's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>Beauty times brains equals a constant.</blockquote>
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<b>Katz's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.</blockquote>
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<b>Cole's Axiom:</b>
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<blockquote>The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant;<br />
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... the population is growing.</blockquote>
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<b>Vique's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.</blockquote>
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<b>Jones' Motto:</b>
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<blockquote>Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.</blockquote>
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<b>McClaughry's Codicil:</b>
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<blockquote>To make an enemy, do someone a favour.</blockquote>
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<b>Churchill's commentary on man:</b>
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<blockquote>Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.</blockquote>
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<b>The Ultimate Law:</b>
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<blockquote>All general statements are false.</blockquote>
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<b>The Unspeakable Law:</b>
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<blockquote>As soon as you mention something ...<br />
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(a) if it is good, it goes away.<br />
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(b) if it is bad, it happens.</blockquote>
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<b>The Whispered Rule:</b>
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<blockquote>People will believe anything if you whisper it.</blockquote>
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<b>The First Law of Wing Walking:</b>
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<blockquote>Never let go of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.</blockquote>
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<p><b>Arnsdick's corollary:</b>
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<blockquote>After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.</blockquote>
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<b>Lynch's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.</blockquote>
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<b>Law of Revelation:</b>
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<blockquote>The hidden flaw never remains hidden.</blockquote>
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<b>Langsam's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>Everything depends.</blockquote>
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<b>Hellrung's Law:</b>
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<blockquote>If you wait, it will go away.</blockquote>
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<b>Shevelson's Extension:</b>
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<blockquote>... having done its damage.</blockquote>
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<b>Grelb's Addition:</b>
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<blockquote>... if it was bad, it will be back.</blockquote>
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<b>Grossman's Misquote:</b>
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<blockquote>Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.</blockquote>
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<b>Ducharme's Precept:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>First Postulate of Isomorphism:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.</blockquote>
|
|
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|
<b>The Inapplicable Law:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.</blockquote>
|
|
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|
<b>Witten's Law:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Perkin's postulate:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>The bigger they are, the harder they hit.</blockquote>
|
|
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|
<b>Harrison's Postulate:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Conway's Law:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on.<br />
|
|
... This person must be fired.
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Stewart's Law of Retroaction:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>MacDonald's Second Law:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and give it back to them.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>The Sausage Principle:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Horngren's Observation: (generalised)</b>
|
|
<blockquote>The real world is a special case.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Merkin's Maxim:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Hawkin's Theory of Progress:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing
|
|
a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Hanlon's Razor:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Matz's warning:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Gold's Law:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>If the shoe fits, it's ugly.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Lewis' Law:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
People will buy anything that's one to a customer. - <small>Sinclair Lewis</small>
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Law of Reruns:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Shirley's Laws:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>Most people deserve each other.<br />
|
|
Forgive and remember.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Allen's Law:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Allen's Distinction:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Avery's Observation:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Berra's Law:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>You can observe a lot just by watching.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Bicycle Law:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
All bicycles weigh 25 kilograms:<br />
|
|
A 15 kilogram bicycle needs a 10 kilogram lock.<br />
|
|
A 20 kilogram bicycle needs a 5 kilogram lock.<br />
|
|
A 25 kilogram bicycle doesn't need a lock.
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Cohen's Law:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts, not the facts themselves.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Colson's Law:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Comins' Law:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Fourth Law of Thermodynamics:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damned near zero.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:</b><br />
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.<br />
|
|
2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Goldwyn's Law of Contracts.</b>
|
|
<blockquote>A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Jones' Principle:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>Needs are a function of what other people have.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Langin's Law:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>If things were left to chance, they'd be better.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Mencken's Metalaw:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution;<br />
|
|
... and it is always wrong.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Sevareid's Law:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>The chief cause of problems is solutions.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Thoreau's Law:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Peer's Law:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>The solution to the problem changes the problem.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Lyall's Conjecture:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Lyall's Fundamental Observation:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>Everything costs more and takes longer.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Klipstein's Lament:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Klipstein's Observation:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>Any product cut to length will be too short.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Sueker's Note:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>If you need "n" items of anything, you will have "n - 1" in stock.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Rosenfield's Regret:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
The most delicate component will be dropped.
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>de la Lastra's Law:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>de la Lastra's Corollary:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Gerrold's Fundamental Truth:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
It's a good thing money can't buy happiness.<br />
|
|
... We couldn't stand the commercials.
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
<b>Gerrold's Law:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>A little ignorance can go a long way.</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Lyall's Addendum:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
... in the direction of maximum harm.
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Gerrold's Pronouncement:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>W</b>hen a man laughs at his misfortunes, he loses a great many friends. They never forgive the loss of their prerogative.
|
|
|
|
<p><b>Arcana Ecclesiastica:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that obtained by Christ.
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>Puritanism:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. - <small>H. L. Mencken</small>
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<p><b>The Arithmetic of Cooperation:</b>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
When you're adding up committees<br />there's a useful rule of thumb:<br />
|
|
That talents make a difference,<br />
|
|
and follies make a sum. - <small>Piet Hein</small>
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<b>The Ultimate Wisdom</b>
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
Philosophers must ultimately find their true perfection in knowing all the follies of mankind by introspection. -
|
|
<small>Piet Hein</small>
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<p>You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think. - <small>Dorothy Parker</small>
|
|
<p>In America, it's not how much an item costs that matters, it's how much you save.
|
|
<p>If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation.
|
|
<p>Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
|
|
<p>Design flaws travel in groups.
|
|
<p>You can't fight the law of conservation of energy but you sure can bargain with it.
|
|
<p><b>From H. L. Mencken ...</b></p>
|
|
<p>An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
|
|
<p>Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sure sign he expects to be paid for it.
|
|
<p>Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.
|
|
<p>A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
|
|
<p>Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
|
|
<p>Sin is a dangerous toy in the hands of the virtuous. It should be left to the congenitally sinful who know when to play with it and when to leave it alone.
|
|
<p>In human history, a moral victory is always a disaster for it debauches and degrades both the victor and the vanquished.
|
|
<p>There is only one sound argument for democracy, and that is the argument that it is a crime for any man to hold himself out as better than other men, and, above all, a most heinous crime for him to prove it.</p>
|
|
|
|
<hr />
|
|
<a id="military"></a><b><big>Murphy's Military Laws</big></b>
|
|
<hr />
|
|
<p>1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
|
|
<p>2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. - <small>Field Marshall Helmuth Carl Bernard von Moltke</small>
|
|
<p>3. Friendly fire isn't.
|
|
<p>4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
|
|
<p>5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
|
|
<p>6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
|
|
<p>7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
|
|
<p>8. Incoming fire has the right of way.
|
|
<p>9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
|
|
<p>10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
|
|
<p>11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
|
|
<p>12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
|
|
<p>13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
|
|
<p>14. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
|
|
<p>14a. There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. - <small>Winston Churchill</small>
|
|
<p>15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
|
|
<p>16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
|
|
<p>17. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.
|
|
<p>18. All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets.
|
|
|
|
<blockquote>
|
|
18.1 ...printed at different scales;<br />
|
|
18.2 ...uphill;<br />
|
|
18.3 ...and in the rain.
|
|
</blockquote>
|
|
|
|
<p>19. Logistics is the ball and chain of armoured warfare. - <small>Heinz Guderian</small>
|
|
<p>20. The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.
|
|
<p>21. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
|
|
<p>22. A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. - <small>George Patton</small>
|
|
<p>23. If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.
|
|
<p>24. Tracer works both ways.
|
|
<p>25. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
|
|
<p>26. War is like love. To triumph, you must make contact. - <small>Attributed to Napoleon</small>
|
|
<p>27. Boldness becomes rarer, the higher the rank. - <small>Karl von Clausewitz</small>
|
|
<p>28. Never reinforce failure. Failure reinforces itself.
|
|
<p>29. Only 5% of an intelligence report is accurate. The trick of a good commander is to isolate the 5%. - <small>Douglas MacArthur</small>
|
|
<p>30. Tactics is for amateurs; professionals study logistics.
|
|
<p>31. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he's fallen back too far.
|
|
<p>32. It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.
|
|
<p>33. No captain can do very wrong who places his ship alongside that of the enemy. - <small>Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson</small>
|
|
<p>34: Only numbers can annihilate. - <small>Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson</small>
|
|
<p>35a. Always know when it's time to get out of Dodge.
|
|
<p>35b. Always know <i>how</i> to get out of Dodge.
|
|
<p>36. Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
|
|
<p>37. Priorities are made by officers, not God. There's a difference.
|
|
<p>38. Always honour a threat.
|
|
<p>39. The weight of all of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it.
|
|
<p>40. Hell hath no fury like a non-combatant. - <small>Charles Edward Montague</small>
|
|
<p>41. Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history.
|
|
<p>42. There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
|
|
<p>43. A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost. - <small>Ferdinand Foch (Principles de Guerre)</small>
|
|
<p>44. Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander. - <small>Jerry Pournelle</small>
|
|
<p>45. All warfare is based on deception. - <small>Sun Tzu (The Art of War)</small>
|
|
<p>46. A little caution outflanks a large cavalry. - <small>Otto von Bismark</small>
|
|
<p>47. No combat ready squad ever passed inspection. No inspection ready squad ever passed combat.
|
|
<p>48. Five second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.
|
|
<p>49. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
|
|
<p>50. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
|
|
<p>51. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share to take.
|
|
<p>52. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
|
|
<p>53. Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.
|
|
<p>54. When in doubt empty the magazine.
|
|
<p>55. Snow is not neutral. - <small>Frunze Military Academy Maxim</small>
|
|
|
|
|
|
<hr /><span class="imgswap"><a href="index.html" style="display:block;"><img src="a1.gif" alt="Home"/><b class="bb">Main Index</b></a></span>
|
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<span class="imgswap"><a href="humour.htm" style="display:block;"><img src="a1.gif" alt="Projects"/><b class="bb">Humour Index</b></a></span><br />
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|
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