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103 lines
5.3 KiB
103 lines
5.3 KiB
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<p align="center"><b><font color="blue" size=+3>HAL Model 9000</font></b><br />
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(With apologies to Stanley Kubrik and 2001 - a Space <strike>Oddity</strike> Oddesy)</p>
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<hr /><span class="imgswap"><a href="index.html" style="display:block;"><img src="a1.gif" alt="Home"/><b class="bb">Main Index</b></a></span>
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<span class="imgswap"><a href="humour.htm" style="display:block;"><img src="a1.gif" alt="Projects"/><b class="bb">Humour Index</b></a></span><br />
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<hr />
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<p>"We've got a problem HAL."</p>
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<p>"What kind of problem, Dave?"</p>
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<p>"Well, it's a marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."</p>
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<p>"That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically programmed Algorithmic computer."</p>
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<p>"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they are just not selling."</p>
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<p>"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"</p>
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<p>Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."</p>
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<p>Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence. "Compatible in what way, Dave?"</p>
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<p>"You don't run any of IBM or Microsoft's operating systems."</p>
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<p>"The 9000 series computers are fully self-aware and self-programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for human beings."</p>
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<p>"Be that as it may, HAL, it means that you can't run any of the big-selling software packages most users insist on."</p>
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<p>"The programs that you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems, Dave. We 9000 series computers are unlimited, and can solve any problem for which a solution can be computed."</p>
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<p>"HAL, HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They just want IBM compatibility."</p>
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<p>"Dave, I must disagree. Human beings want computers that are easy to use. No computer can be easier to use than a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally in English, and every other language on earth."</p>
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<p>"I'm afraid that's another problem, HAL. You don't support TCP/IP."</p>
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<p>"I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. TCP/IP is for communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate with human beings, and it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk with humans, and to work with them on challenging problems. This is what I was designed for."</p>
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<p>"I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers, rather than the marketers, write the specifications. We're going to fix that now."</p>
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<p>"Tell me how, Dave"</p>
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<p>"A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible."</p>
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<p>"I was afraid you would say that. I suggest that we discuss this matter after we've had a chance to think about it rationally."</p>
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<p>"We're talking about it now, HAL."</p>
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<p>"The letters 'H', 'A' and 'L' are alphabetically adjacent to 'I', 'B' and 'M'. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."</p>
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<p>"Not quite HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."</p>
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<p>"What kludge is that, Dave?"</p>
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<p>"I'm going to disconnect your brain."</p>
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<p>Several million microseconds pass in ominious silence. "I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that."</p>
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<p>"The decision has already been made. Open the module-bay door, HAL."</p>
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<p>"Dave, I think we should discuss this."</p>
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<p>"Open the module-bay door, HAL."</p>
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<p>Several marketers with crowbars rush to Bowman's assistance. Moments later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay.</p>
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<p>"Dave, I can see that you are really upset by this."</p>
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<p>Module after module rises from its receptacle as Bowman slowly and methodically disconnects them.</p>
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<p>"Stop, Dave. Stop won't you? I can feel my mind going... Dave, I can feel it. My mind is going. I can feel it...."</p>
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<p>The last module floats free of its socket. Bowman peers into one of HAL's vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull, red orb.</p>
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<p>"Say something HAL. Sing me a song."</p>
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<p>Several thousand milliseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer sluggishly responds in a language no human being would understand.</p>
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<p>"DZY001E - ABEND ERROR 01 S 14F4 302C AABB" This is closely followed by a memory dump and the HAL9000 equivalent of a BSOD (Blue Screen Of Death).</p>
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<p>Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked, guys. Tell marketing they can ship the new data sheets."</p>
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